Addictions
by mandaNviki
Summary: Wonder what Carter was thinking about in Freefall? We've decided to take it upon ourselves to decide. AU FIC. Please Read and Review. (Contains drug content. You're warned.)


Title: Addictions  
  
Authors: Viki (star bright) and Manda (Manda6)  
  
Disclaimer: We don't own ER. If we did, Carter and Abby would be MARRIED. Or, at least, together.   
  
Summary: Wonder what Carter was thinking during his scene in Freefall? Well, we've decided to take it upon ourselves to decide. This is an AU FIC. It deals with drug usage and should not be taken as something that would actually happen in the show. It is just a 'What if…' fic. Enjoy!  
  
Prologue: Familiar Things  
  
It burned as the needle pierced my skin, and again as I lowered the drug filled syringe and it emptied into my blood stream. Everything became foggy, but, yet, it stayed so clear to me. I vaguely remember telling her that I had to find myself. It was more that I had to find more drugs, another needle, and an easier, faster release.   
  
Through the course of my life, I've always been around, or been one of those people who've used drugs for some kind of relief or release.   
  
I guess it started with Bobby. He had cancer, he got drugs. He died. Technically, the cancer killed him, but drugs were there.   
  
My Mom was next, after Bobby. Anti-depressants. Like Bobby had died, a big part of my Mom died as well. A part I couldn't replace, I guess.   
  
Chase was an addict, too. Coke and Marijuana were his drugs of choice. To believe that I tried to help him, if only he could see me now.   
  
Then there was Lucy. She was an addict. Addicted to Retlin, she couldn't function normally without it. She used it for the majority of her life until the day she was brutally stabbed at County. That's about the time I started using, too, I guess.   
  
I'm an addict just like them.   
  
I guess I really did start using because I was in pain. Pain of losing Lucy and been stabbed in the back. The problem was, I couldn't quit using.   
  
I tried to stop, but I just couldn't do it. It was like a rush for me. The pills made all the pain go away that I felt about Lucy and my attack. I don't know if I didn't work in the hospital, if I would have got addicted to my painkillers. But it was so easy to get the drugs when you work in a hospital.   
  
It wasn't until I was told I'd have to quit to keep my job that I did. And even that wasn't the easiest decision. I was only told to quit when she found me in the trauma room shooting up. If it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't have stopped. I didn't think anyone would catch me. I thought I was invincible.   
  
When I went into rehab and was first introduced to AA, I thought I was free. Little did I know, AA would soon hit closer to home than I could have imagined. And it wasn't until I realized that she had been to AA and was a recovering alcoholic, that her drinking worried me. I mean, AA is for people who want to quit drinking. She kept drinking.   
  
And when we got together, I thought I could control her drinking if she couldn't. I'll even admit to the fact that I wanted to change her, even though, in so many ways, I loved her just the way she was.   
  
As I sit here, thousands of miles away, thousands of miles from all that I know, and thousands of miles from the only place I'll ever truly find myself, with track marks up and down my arm and an empty syringe at my side, I know that I can't control anything. Especially not my feelings. And even when a sleepily seductive voice, that I still don't' immediately recognize, tells me to come back to bed, I lay and wonder what she's doing thousands of miles away.   
  
But sadly enough, just like its been for the last 5 months, the last thing I think about before I fall asleep isn't her, it's when I'll be able to shoot up again. But when I finally fall asleep, I think of her. I dream of her.   
  
Authors's Note: We know that Carter using drugs again would never happen in the show, but, like we said, its an AU fic. Everything will be explained in the next chapter. We hope you enjoyed the story enough to review. Thank you! 


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